


Tales from Hell: The Lance of Longinus

by DK_Eldritch



Series: Tales from Hell: Hazbin Hotel [2]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: 1920s, Angels vs. Demons, Asexual Alastor (Hazbin Hotel), Assassins & Hitmen, Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, Donuts, Drinking & Talking, Evil Corporations, F/F, Fist Fights, Hell, I'm Going to Hell, Lasers, Lobotomy, Mad Science, Poor Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel), Robots, Science Experiments, Singing, Survival, Swordfighting, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:35:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21633766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DK_Eldritch/pseuds/DK_Eldritch
Summary: For years Vaggie has had her hands on an Exterminator Spear, a powerful weapon that can slay any demon for good. However, this notoriety attracts the eyes of the evil corporation Voxtech, who hopes to take it from her for their own nefarious purposes. As Vaggie is assailed by assassins, robots and an angler fish scientist, she remembers what brought her in possession of the spear, and why she must wield it.At the same time, Alastor invites Angel over to Mimzy's, an old 20th century bar on the west side of town. There they're introduced to the lovely club owner herself and a good time ensues.
Relationships: Charlie Magne/Vaggie
Series: Tales from Hell: Hazbin Hotel [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1550146
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	Tales from Hell: The Lance of Longinus

Episode 2:

“C’mon, have a drink!” Alastor enticed. The demon across from him, a small fry who came to a hotel a week ago, stared at it with a nervous twitch.

“Are you sure Mr. deer guy?” he stammered. “I’m not really good when it comes to alcohol.”

“Oh nonsense. It’s just a glass of whiskey. It’s even from my personal stock. Think of it as an award for a week of good behavior.”

“Yeah don’t be a pussy and drink it,” Angel commented as he partook in some without asking.

His hand inched closer. The demon’s eyes couldn’t break from the sparkling chilled glass and sweet amber liquid. “A reward sounds nice. Alright then, I’ll have some. What’s the worst that could happen?”

He lifted the glass to his lips and took a big sip, savoring the harsh taste flowing through his system. For a second the demon was quiet. His mouth held a frozen grin and his eyes twitched, and then with immense force he took the table and flipped it, throwing Angel and Alastor back. The demon grew four times in size hulked out across the entire bar with nothing but drunken rage. Alastor couldn’t stop laughing. 

“What the hell happened here?” Vaggie asked, having heard the commotion from the other room. The demon lunged at her and swiped her with his massive hands, but she proved to be a hard target to hit. She reached behind her hair and summoned her spear with her powers. Another strike came in and missed, so with a fresh opening Vaggie made a piercing blow into the monster’s chest. He roiled back in pain, clutching its wound and howling like a maniac. Just to make sure, Vaggie leaped onto his face and made a torrent of quick stabs to bring him to the ground. He rolled on the floor losing his goddamn mind.

“Now dear,” Alastor grinned. “Is there any reason to be so severe?”

“He attacked me first!” she shouted. “Besides, I bet you did this on purpose didn’t you? We leave you guys with them for five minutes and this happens.”

“What could’ve possibly given you that idea?” Alastor snapped his fingers. The screaming demon bloated like a balloon and exploded into a bunch of tiny bloody bits. “There. That’s better isn’t it?”

Vaggie was speechless, both because of Alastor audacity and because of all of the meaty bits that was now caked on her. “I don’t know what to do with you people.”

Angel sat back up with a mist of red all over him as well. “’Ey I just cleaned myself this morning. Also, what’s with you and that spear of yours? You bring it out every time someone looks at you funny and it leaves ‘em in a big mess.”

“Wait, you don’t know what this is?” Vaggie blinked before a smirk grew on her. She took her spear and leaned on it. “No wonder you’re so cocky around me. It’d almost be laughable if it wasn’t so disappointing.”

“Cocky is the right word. Look at you, actin’ like you own the place you act like some demon killin’ angel of dea- JEEZUS CHRIST!” Angel’s brain connected the wires. “Hold up hold up hold up hold up.” He got up and inspected it.” Is this the real deal? You crazy bitch. Where in Hell did you grab an Exterminator Spear?”

“Oh? It’s a secret.” Vaggie said. Her shit eating grin was unable to be contained. “But yeah, this is an honest to goodness Exterminator Spear. You see, Exorcist Angels have been known to leave some of their equipment behind after an Extermination, and they’re often picked up and sold on the black market.”

“Oh, so you just found it.”

Vaggie smacked her face. “Sure, whatever,” she said, and got serious again. “This weapon has the power to kill any demon for good. If struck, the demon cannot heal from its wound, nor can it regenerate lost body parts. And if one is killed by an Exterminator Spear, there’s no way to get back its soul. Most demons can take a lot of damage, and there are very few ways for a demon to kill another demon, but this weapon bypasses all defenses, and with the right owner it is undefeatable.”

“So, let me get this straight,” Angel asked, somehow getting a hold of the spear. “You have one of the most dangerous weapons in hell and, that’s it? Just stab random folks who mess with ya? If it were me I’d sell the thing and buy actual important things in life.”

“Give that back!” She snatched it out of his hands. “Yeah, I use it a lot, but Hell is a dangerous place full of all sorts of monsters and demons, and anything you can get your hands on can mean the difference between life and, well not death, but horrible, burning agonizing pain. This is just the best possible thing I could’ve gotten to myself safe, so that beats out any cash I can get otherwise.”

“Alright alright. Not gonna stop me though from pissing you off though,” Angel snickered and went back upstairs. “That’s just as priceless.”

Alastor wiped himself clean with a flick of his wrist and went back to drinking while Charlie came down to ask where her patient was. A thought crossed his mind so he pulled out an old book and flipped through the pages looking for something. He found it toward the front.

Later that night, Charlie and Vaggie were watching television with Charlie resting in her lap. 

“As you can see,” said an actor playing a detective. “Based on the autopsy the victim suffered several bullet wounds and slashes across the throat, then dumped out of the back of a hot rod. What do you think?”

“I went through several analysis reports,” said the actress. “And if we cross-analyze with a simul-, uh, simultenny-, erm. Screw it.” She stripped down to nothing and started making out with the actor. Then the body got up and joined in the action as well.”

“Was television like this back on earth?” Charlie asked.

“Eh, its a bit dated.” Vaggie replied. Not many people her age had died yet. “I’m hungry. You want me to get some snacks down the street?”

“Evil Donuts?”

“Evil Donuts.”

“Can you get me the mystery meat? And the sweet stuff.” 

Vaggie left the hotel and took a quick walk down the street. The streets were alive with demons and imps scurrying everywhere. She brushed through the crowd and forced her way past the gangs that were blocking the side of the street.

“Hey one eye,” one of them sneered. “Your other eye’s looking pretty good? Why don’t you come have some fun with us for a bit?”

Vaggie ignored them and pressed ahead. For a second she felt one of their hands come near and reached into her hair, but the moment passed before she needed to do anything. Still, she couldn’t help but cover the X over her left eye. 

She swung into the Evil Donuts store with a jingle. She was the only one in there so she ordered a dozen assorted donuts from the freakazoid behind the counter who blocked the rest of the store with his eldritch form. A moment of silence past. It was eerily quiet. Okay it wasn’t quiet because of the abomination but quiet in every other way. Then suddenly the door opened and a lady with a long white coat and red glasses walked in. Vaggie caught her eyes instantly.

“Oh, you’re Ms. Motha aren’t you?” She asked as she stepped forward. “Excellent timing. I was on my way to the hotel. Dr. Morticia of VoxTech. Pleasure.”

She offered her hand but Vaggie held back. “How do you know who I am?”

The doctor was cool, but had a robotic tinge to her voice. “I saw you on the television a couple of weeks ago. That bitchy goth style you’re wearing is easy to pick out of a crowd.” Vaggie squinted at her. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings I’m just honest.” She walked past her and rang up the baker. “Assorted dozen. I’ll pay for the one beforehand.” The creature agreed and started making noise in the back.

“You think you can win me over with free donuts?” Vaggie asked.

“Of course not. I’m not a stupid woman and don’t think like that again. Consider it a preemptive award.”

“Award for what?”

“Your Exterminator Spear.” The words had Vaggie ready to summon. “My team has been collecting angel weapons for decades now to study their components. I’d like to buy your weapon so that we may continue analyzing their powers..”

“It’s not for sale.”

“Are you sure about that?” She opened her jacket to reveal it to be overflowing with cash. “We take our research very seriously.”

Vaggie hesitated for a second. “No, it’s not for sale.”

Both of their donuts arrived in their own boxes. Morticia paid for both of them. “Last chance,” she said, but received no answer. She let out a shrug. “Suit yourself. Let it be known then that we’ll do everything in our power to get that spear. Mark my words, except don’t. I’m sorry I’m not supposed to tell you that. But yes, spear, important. Lots of stabbing.”

The doctor took the snacks and left. Vaggie gave it a moment and planned out a contingency plan in case she had goons come in but when nothing happened she let her guard down. She’d have to watch out from now on lest her weapon be taken for good. It was also at that moment that Vaggie realized she took her donuts too. She had already gotten away with so much.

“So how much was she going to pay?” Charlie asked, munching on a separate order of donuts.

“A lot but, we’re already taken care of with Alastor. I don’t need the money right now.”

“Still, can’t believe you’re already so famous.”

“Says you Ms. Princess of Hell. I just have minor street cred.”

The two laughed at each other and finished off the whole box that night.

Several days past without much note. Another demon was set to go through Charlie’s Academy from Hell while the rest of the staff did their part around the house. When evening hit Alastor retired from watching the new patient and went down to the bar. The jukebox sprung to life and a record was set on to play a jazzy tune. The sounds echoed through the halls and caught Angel’s attention.

“Of course I should’ve expected an old timer like you to bust out the jazz.”

“Oh, you know this musical?” Alastor perked up. “It’s a favorite of mine. Got to watch it originally before I kicked it.”

“Yeah of course, it’s um...34th Street?”

Alastor stood there smiling, trying not to break face. “Close enough. Tell me Angel, what year were you born?”

“I dunno, nineteen twenty whatever?” He brushed through his hair. “I don’t let my age be known, y’know? It scares off the newer talent even though frankly I’m as gorgeous as I’ve ever been and-.”

“The point is if you’ve been around as I have you should join me and Husk for a trip at Mimzy’s. Best source of drink on the west side of the pentagram. What d’you say?”

“Why would I want to go out to a bar with you?”

“It’ll be fun and have many interesting people.”

“Are you going to pay for my drinks?”

Alastor gave a good laugh. “Of course not. I just want to mix things up for a night.”

Angel thought about it. It was either that or drink at home. “Fine, what’s the worst that could happen?”. 

Husk closed up the shop and headed for the door. “Stay the hell away from my games Alastor. You got me?”

“No promises are made.”

Niffty came out to see them. “Hey can I join you boys,” but the door slammed shut. “Alright I’ll just stay here and do...something...look how filthy this place is!”

The clock struck midnight. Charlie had Vaggie in her clutches as the two lied in bed fast asleep. Well, one of them was. Vaggie laid there eye wide open until she couldn’t take it and replaced herself with a pillow. 

The night was peaceful with a deep purple sky as Vaggie stood out in the main entrance back in her normal clothes. A cool breeze went through, flowing through her long white hair. She brushed it back and out of her hands a single knife came out. It was her power. She tossed it into some bushes. It was a cheap parlor trick, she thought. Nothing compared to what kind of monsters lived out there.

She reached back and pulled out the spear again. It was because of this she had been so frantic, because of that woman from Voxtech. Her mind replayed the incident when she first obtained it. A cold sweat rolled down her cheek. She started walking. Her feet carried her through the street for a good while, propelled by the old memories. Her body felt like a ghost trying to find its old body. She rolled through the familiar roads and squeezed into a back alley toward the center of town. The area grew sparse again. The night life of the city drifter farther and farther away.

She reached the center of an intersection, a T connecting a few backstreets, nothing special. Vaggie looked to the sky at the pentagram moon. Ahead the alley wall still sported the same crack she remembered from several years ago. She stared at it for a long time.

“Get it together Vaggie,” she said to herself. “You’re not the little girl you were before. It won’t happen again.”

A roar came from behind her. A massive lizard man with bugged out eyes leaped at her, forcing her to summon her weapon and catch him mid air. He squirmed at the end of the spear, whipping around like some caught fish until he went limp and fell over. The demon fell limp, its soul dissipating into the purple skies while its body fell into a trash heap. Vaggie gritted her teeth with tears welling up. She acted too rashly, she thought, but something wasn’t right. The demon had scarring all across his skull as if he had been tampered with. Vaggie’s confusion was the perfect distraction. A box shaped machine on wheels rolled in and slammed Vaggie from behind. She flew into a second machine that came around the corner, breaking her in the rebound. She lost her grip on the spear and the robots snatched it with their hose-like arms. Vaggie struggled to get to her feet while they zoomed away like runaway cars, running over everything and everyone in their path. They fled from her vision. Vaggie could only get to her feet and hobble at them, swearing all sorts of Spanish at them, but the deed was done and a pair of demonnesses greeted her at the exit.

“Where do you think you’re going Missy?” one of them asked with a snake-ish hiss.

“Yeah it’s time to teach you a lesson.”

Vaggie pulled back before the blades reached her. A few strands of hair were cut so they pushed for another try. Vaggie kept backpedaling with blades inches away from her face. As she stumbled she picked up a trash can lid and blocked one of the blades long enough to kick the other woman. Their synchronicity broke long enough time for Vaggie to parry and disarm one of the assassins. She kicked the flying blade, propelling it into the other assassin’s chest and pinning her to the wall. She then took the trash can lid and slammed it against the other’s neck, cracking something in her that made her go limp. Vaggie stood there for a second, letting the adrenaline flow through her.

“Shit!” She snapped back to attention and resumed the chase, but when she hit the main road the robots had disappeared. Vaggie tried to follow the carnage but the assault had wounded her. She slumped to the ground coughing and panting.

“No! Damn it!” she cried, pounding the pavement. “Cowards!” She looked around her to see a crowd staring at her before a laugh and a scoff brushed her away. Vaggie was left to her own devices. 

“Shit, what am I gonna do?” she scratched her head. “I mean, what can I do? They’re just going to take it back to their lab for god knows what reason. And if I have to fight more of them I, I guess...I guess I’ll go home.” She sighed. It was too dangerous for her to track them down. After all, not only did they have Exterminator Spears but the highest tech equipment available to sinners and demons. Vaggie took a few steps toward the hotel, her face sullen and bleak. 

Five steps in and she stopped, turned around. An itch tingled in the back of her brain. A loss of control was experienced. It wracked her soul. She couldn’t handle it. She looked back into the alley. No, never again. 

Her feet started moving on her own. The path opened up for her and she was blazing up Pentagram City toward VoxTech towers. 

Science, the ultimate literature of the world, the greatest gift to humanity on earth! To the sinners of Hell? Its significant was slightly skewed, as the laws of the underworld had its own rulebook, but it was no obstacle to the lead mad scientist of VoxTech. The fish man cackled to himself in his dark office, wondering what boundary of the afterlife he would explore today.

“First things first,” he said to himself. The fish man pressed the intercom on his desk. “Security, any reports come in today?”

Whoever was on the other line was surprised he was still there. “Like I said this morning. Nothing has come up, as usual.”

“Very good...and-.”

“Next extermination in 335, no. 334 days.”

“Excellent! Now I can work on my atomic compounding. Lets see if those angels can perform their extermination while doused in toxic radiation! Hahahahaha!”

Morticia walked in and turned on the lights. “Doctor I-.”

“Holy!” Dr. Baxter jumped out of his desk and got stuck on the lamp. His angler fish lure wrapped around the wire. “How many times do I have to tell you to knock Morticia!”

“Oh that,” she frowned. “You have the same reaction each time so I stopped doing it that way. News from bots 38 and 39. We got the new spear in. The assassins I sent earlier haven’t reported back so I’m going to assume they’re dead and be sad about it. Either way I’m gonna set up the spear for analysis.”

“Fantastic news!” Baxter grinned, not listening halfway through. “I’ll get the machines ready at once. Bring in the volunteer test subjects!”

“Wait, what?” Morticia pointed outside at the purple sky. “Sir, I’m sad to tell you this, although I’m not, but it’s midnight. You should be home and I should be working.”

“Nope. I’m working nights now.”

Morticia deflated. “Why?”

Baxter swung over to his colleague. “You see, over the past few weeks, I’ve been touched three times when coming into work. They get to me when I’m on the elevator, even when I’m hiding in the corner. This won’t do. I’ll only be here if nobody else is here.”

“But, night shift is my shift.” Morticia’s calm was failing. “This spear is mine. I scouted it out so its mine.”

He pushed back. “Shut it woman. This is my shift now. The fate of this hell-scape rests with me!”

“Like hell it doesn’t!” Morticia grabbed a hold of Baxter and lifted him off the ground. The small creature screeched in every language he knew and some he didn’t, covering Morticia in an unpleasant amount of saliva. It became a prominent question on why she was attracted the toothy bastard in the first place. All while this was happening the security channel was trying to get back to the main lab.

“Hey boss?” said the guy through the comm. “There’s some lady walking into the main lab. Should we do something about it?”

Angel had to take a moment to understand and assess how much bullshit he was taking in the moment he entered the club. He watched the live band play and the casino workers do their thing at the table. He eyed the bar and tapped on the barrels in the wall. The head of the bar had a familiar green snake like decor to it. There was no choice but to throw his hands up.

“This is the same getup we got at home!” he yelled. ‘What’s the point of going outside if it’s the same as being inside?”

“Oh come now Angel it’s completely different here,” Alastor stated, even though Angel was on point. “Besides I’m surprised you’ve never been here before. All the sinners of old come by here. I mean, except for the cannibals.”

“I’m sorry, but I like to keep up with the times, thank you. Who needs to stay in the past when the new stuff comes out so good?”

Alastor laughed. “You sound like an old acquaintance of mine.” He pulled in Angel close. The world distorted around him. “And we don’t get along anymore.”

“Hey, hey, easy.” Angel brushed him off. “So we’re with a bunch of old fogeys. What’s so special about ‘em?”

“Well look what we have here,” a big hunk of a demon walked right up to Angel with knuckles cracking. “I recognize you Mr. Drag Queen. We don’t take your kind over here.”

‘Alastor you son of a bitch’, was what Angel was thinking. “What’s that, you’re a fan of my work?” Angel replied. “Don’t threaten me with a good time busta.”

“That’s what I’m talking about.” The demon launched a right but he pulled it too far back, letting Angel land the first crack. He flew into an active pool table, so the group of villains playing decided to redirect their entertainment elsewhere. 

At the same time a heavyset woman in a purple flapper dress hit the stage with her band and readied the show. Alastor hopped onto a stool and watched the show unfold. Ol’ Mimzy readied her lips.

“I know why, that you look so sad,” she let out a hearty melody. “I can feel, the darkness creeping through deep inside of you. You’re in Hell, and you lost all that you had. But on a second glance, it’s a second chance~.”

The demon band revved up their volume and a wail of trumpets and saxophones shook the club, just in time for Angel to get punched in the face.

Vaggie made a mad dash across the warehouse floors as fast as possible. The empty industrial storage room whizzed by in a blur of motion as she made her way toward the elevator. Talk about luck. She’d been in the place for ninety seconds, so the alarm was about ninety seconds delayed, but that meant every extra second counted. She dove into the metal box and pressed whatever button looked the most worn. The elevator started rising. 

She couldn’t help but tap her feet. “Calm down Vaggie. You can do this. Just need to beat a few robots to death.” She looked at her hands. They were empty. She reached behind her hair and spawned two knifes but she dropped them. “It’s not the same. These won’t do anything.”

“Yes they will. You’re just being anxious.” Said inner Vaggie.

“When have they ever worked for me?”

“Girl, would you rather have nothing?”

“I’d rather have nothing!”

The elevator dinged and opened up to five assassins all carrying swords and pikes. Vaggie let out a little squeak before performing some of the hardest set of acrobatics she’d ever performed in her life.

On the other side of the laboratory Dr. Baxter received his prized Exterminator Spear. He tested the tip with his finger and drew blood. It was the real deal, so he hooked up the spear to the machine and got it spinning in a magnetic field. The fish man moved back to a safe distance and put in the buttons for molecular analysis.

“So, let’s see,” Baxter analyzed. “The past three spears all lost their effectiveness after being altered, rebuilt or shaved a reasonable portion. That means whatever gives it its kill factor is some sort of thin membrane on its surface. So to test this, let’s DOUSE IT WITH ATOMIC RADIATION!” He pulled the lever and let the machine do its unexplainable science.

“Dr. I do not approve of this in the slightest.” Morticia stated. “This is our only stock left for the year. We should go back to testing duplicate copies with this as the control group. What if it stops working again?”

“Science requires its risks Dr. Morticia. We must unlock the secrets of the spears to save Hell!”

“No. We need to make no risks or else Vox is going to skewer us on a pike.” She pulled a lever down and everything started shutting down.

“No, give it back!” Baxter screeched as Morticia took the ignition key. Baxter crawled all over her to try and reach it. “I need to experiment. The power of my intellect must be shown. I- oh you’re so soft doctor.”

Vaggie punched her way out of the elevator and made a dash down the lab with her enemies close behind. A group of lobotomized demons rounded the corner and tried to use their weight against her but she managed to jump over their heads and kick one into her female pursuers, crushing all of them. A glass pane window stood between her and the experiment. 

“Give, me back, my spear!” Vaggie yelled . She threw a knife into the glass, creating a crack, and with her full weight she crashed through. She drew blood in a couple of places.

Baxter leaned over the control panel to eye the new arrival. “Who are you?” He gasped. “What have you done!? You’ve violated my sacred chambers, opening up for everyone to come in and touch everything.” He shuddered at the thought.

“How in the world did you get all the way up here?” Morticia asked. “It looks like trusting demons to do a job like this was too much.” She snapped her fingers and like clockwork a dozen tank robots filtered out of holes in the wall and surrounded Vaggie. She reached for her spear but was batted away by a robotic arm before she could touch it. Morticia grabbed a hold of it instead. “There. Now do me a favor and surrender. I can make you a volunteer subject if that’s any consolation.”

“Like I’d agree to that.” Vaggie spit out some blood. “I’ve seen those bug eyed creeps outside.” The tank robots closed in, forcing Vaggie to jump between two of them, but she was caught and thrown back. A drill arm comboed off her and stabbed her in the back, leaving her spinning. Her body whirled around the lab like a disk until she crashed into a wall computers that caved on the impact. 

“Please don’t break our equipment girl.” Morticia said. “Sir, could you teach her a lesson?”

“Like in theoretical physics?”

Morticia frowned. “Alright I’ll do it.” She snapped her fingers twice and several robots came together, changing and morphing along the way. The doctor took a ride to the top one as it became the head of a multi-bodied mega-bot with its height nearly reaching the ceiling. Vaggie looked up quick enough to get her feet moving before the fist pummeled through the floor. She dodged right into Baxter and tackled him, which rode him up the wall with paranoia. Vaggie soon found herself on the receiving end of a fully functioning laser gun that he pulled out of his labcoat. She dodged the first ray.

“Not so scary now are you?” He warned. “Stay back! I’ve used this on three of my co-workers this month.”

Vaggie kicked him straight in the jaw and threw him back but a stray laser nicked her in the stomach. All while this was happening, the lobotomized workers and vengeful assassins burst in to complete the circle around her. The numbers looked to be twenty five to one. Vaggie’s adrenaline rush was losing its potency and she realized how screwed she was. 

“You gotta be kidding,” she gasped. “There’s way to many of you.” The circle closed in. “Please, I can’t lose now. Not so soon. Not again.”

“Al!” Mimzy dived off the stage and picked up the dapper gentleman by the waist. “Have you come to express your eternal love to me?”

“No not this time my dear,” he coughed. Her squeezing made him lose his breath. “Probably not for the next time either while we’re at it!”

“Well shucks,” Mimzy sighed, letting the poor deer go. Angel threw himself back into the peaceful side of the bar. He eyed the singer up and down with her long dress and long arm gloves. Looked like a pig in a dress to him. Her eyes met his and a wave of disinterest took over. “Oh I recognize you. You’re that porn star Angel Dust right?”

“Gee, how’d you guess?” Angel replied. “From the looks of it you wouldn’t even know what a porno is.”

“Well I’m not as much of a stick in the mud as my deer here,” she replied, her mood returning to normal. “But there’s a charm to sticking to the old ways. For example, everything in this building. Hadn’t had to fix in decades. That’s why I like keeping the stuff simple around here.”

“Hey don’t get me wrong I like my old stomping grounds but have you tried some of this shit?” Angel pulled out a few bags of heinous material he’s had on standby since the shark raid. “This stuff will blow your mind in so many ways. Literally for me, these were booby trapped when I got them. The point is that If I lasted til the seventies sweet lord I’d be a happy man!”

“It wasn’t as great as you think,” Husk commented from a poker table across the room. “Trust me, stick to booze.”

“Speaking of which.” Mimzy offered drinks on the house. One drink. She scaled back after remembering the implications. The three of them made a triangle around a section of the bar and started talking for a good bit.

“Oh so you’re a New Yorker too. Small world.” Angel commented. “I take it back. You went out a good time missy. Thirties? Forget about it. Then you had the war and shit in the forties. Dodged that bullet.” He felt out his fluffy bust on that one.

“Oh if only I lived to see to those days,” Alastor dreamed. “Seeing such a conflict would’ve been so entertaining. The carnage the gore, and then me, talking about carnage and gore.”

“Well you can’t choose when you die.” Mimzy lit up a cigarette on a long stick. “Just be glad that you got to see what you got to see. Of course getting to heaven would’ve been preferable.”

“Yeah a huge shame for you. What’d you even do to get down here? You look like a blueberry”

“Oh please darlin’. I was a monster back then, lots of illegal booze and promiscuous sex. What a riot!”

“That-.” Angel was at a loss for words. “That I can respect.”

Mimzy got a laugh out of that. It was the best compliment she’s received in ages and she was used to getting honeyed up by Alastor. “Oh when I went to hell at first I was scared but I got used to this place pretty fast, opened up this club, met this handsome deer here.” She took a long drink and let her emotions out a bit. “Hell is Hell, but I’m still happy to have an afterlife. Really looking back, life on earth didn’t go that well for me, but here I can get a little more mileage out of me. Still, extermination’s been rough on our age. Not many people get past a hundred years in this place. That’s why I’m trying to keep everyone close together. Remind everyone that we’re still here, that we’re still fighting. I know I’m not going to exist for much longer but, I’m so happy to have been given a second chance.”

Vaggie pushed through the streets at a frantic pace. It was her first year in hell. The denizens of Pentagram City were in the midst of genocide with those on the streets being picked off by the thousands and numerous strongholds laid under siege by the angel’s immense powers. She barreled into an alleyway full sprint. The day was almost over, minutes until noon, when she gazed upon one of them. It was a face of silver, a robotic creature with wings, clad in bloodied metal and wearing a digital mask with a crooked smile and an X in his eye. It was barely half a second until Vaggie experienced the absolute peak of suffering and torment. The angel loosed his spear and slammed Vaggie into the brick wall, his spear embedded itself into her left eye. When she fell limp, the angel extended his wings and flew back to the rendezvous point, their mission done for the year.

Vaggie lied there, waiting to die again, ready to have her soul dissipate into the malevolent essence of Hell.

“But I didn’t die back then,” 

Vaggie straightened up and reached into her hair. A long sword full of life and white energy materialized and sliced the air, pushing the demons of Voxtech back. “And I won’t die now. Now give me back my spear.” Vaggie took an offensive step and dared everyone to attack her. “Because when they comes for me again, when they comes for Charlie and my friends, I’ll be ready to kill them!”

Two hours later, the night was getting relaxed as more people went home. Husk spread his five cards. “Read ‘em and weep boys!” Husk stopped for a moment to eye Alastor. He gave it three seconds. “Full house! Give it here,” thus giving him the whole pot this round. The other three continued trading stories throughout the night, although Angel was more interested in his phone at that point. Retro was nice, but probably overrated. Speaking of retro, he thought. The new stranger at the end of the bar was giving him odd looks. His curiosity took over and he got a seat or two closer to investigate.

“Don’t come near me!” he shrieked. “I dislike people!”

“You do huh?” Angel asked nonplussed. “So why’d you come to the bar?”

Alastor’s hair tufts perked up. “Baxter is that you?” Alastor asked. “Surprise seeing you here. I was sure your colleague had a ‘transaction’ set up. How’d that go?”

“It did not go well at all Alastor,” he raged, banging the counter. “I’m having Morticia explain the situation to the boss as we speak. I hope that he is not angry.”

“Oh you silly it’s Vox!” Alastor laughed. “Of course he will be angry. So what happened my fishy friend.”

Baxter felt the top of his head. His angler lure had been cut clean off. “Hell...isn’t an exact science. I have no idea how we lost, but I’m sure it’s going to bite me in the end.” 

Charlie stirred in her sleep. The pillow in her clutches wasn’t giving off any warmth, so she felt out for Vaggie. She wasn’t there, waking her up proper. At that exact moment, the door creaked open and a figure snuck into the room.

“Hey who’s there?” Charlie asked, assuming that it was a patient. She hid her body under the blankets. “I’m not properly dressed. Please go back to bed.” 

“Hey, it’s just me Charlie,” Vaggie said, keeping her voice down and making a move for the bed.

“Oh thank goodness.” Charlie turned on the lamp to see better. “For a second I thought...I...oh no.” 

“What? Nothing’s wrong.” Vaggie kept trying to pull the covers but Charlie was having none of it as she crawled over to her. There was no attempt at hiding it. She couldn’t hide it, what with all of the scratches and cuts and stab wounds, the double black eyes, the bruises, burns, laser marks, sprains, blood stains, oil stains, frayed hair and torn clothes all over her. She’d rather deal with it in the morning but there was a chance she wouldn’t even get up after.

“Vaggie, what did you do?” Charlie started freaking out.

“Nothing, nothing happened.” Vaggie tried to play it cool again but Charlie’s hands were in a vice grip. Thinking about it, she would be the same way if it were reversed. “Alright here’s what happened, but promise not to be mad.” She went through the entire story, leaving no detail unremarked.

“So you got it back?” Charlie asked.

Vaggie spawned the Exterminator Spear and presented it. “To be honest I feel pretty stupid right now,” she laughed, even though it hurt to laugh.

“Now you know what it’s like to live in my head,” Charlie laughed with her. The spear disappeared between them. A bit of wooziness fell over Vaggie and she fell into Charlie’s arms. Charlie tapped her face. “Not just yet Hon. Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” Charlie dragged her over to the bath and got it running. She helped Vaggie out of all of her clothes and dipped her in. It stung at first, but her wounds were already healing. The pain sifted away, and Vaggie let out a long breath. 

“Hey Charlie.”

“Yes Vaggie?”

She felt out her neck. “Thanks. This is a good life.”

Up at the Voxtech labs, Morticia was withstanding the full wrath of a recently awakened Vox.

“I’m telling you Boss, I don’t know what happened.” Morticia panicked. “She just cut through everything. It’s not usual to have that level of magic.”

“I’ll tell you what’s unnatural,” Vox grumbled over the phone. “It’s paying a large sum of money for a product that doesn’t do as intended. I guess if you and that bottom feeder are free for this year then I don’t need either of you. I want you out of the office by morning. I’ll just take over hell the old fashioned way. Just you wait.”


End file.
